Untitled Spignesi Formerly The Euthanasia Diaries

1 Tory Troy Dr. Baraku Bexley "I've been thinking about suicide lately. A lot." "How often is 'a lot'?" "At least once a day, although sometimes I may go a couple of days without thinking about it." "When you say you've been thinking about it, what does that mean? Are you imagining ways of doing it? Are you thinking about where you would do it?" "No, I know how I'll do it." "Yes?" "Pills." "What kind of pills?" "Painkillers. I've got hidden away on the outside eighty-seven hydrocodone tablets. You know: the generic of Vicodin. I got them from a friend who had a prescription for a hundred and only used thirteen. She had some kind of really bad disk problem in her back, but they fixed it and she didn't need the pills anymore. So she gave them to me. I figure I could take the whole batch in three or four swallows and within a few hours I'd be dead." "What if you don't die?" "Oh, I'll die." "How can you be so sure?" "I did my homework." "What does that mean?" "I looked up hydrocodone on the Internet. The lethal dose, depending on tolerance, could be anywhere from around fifty or sixty milligrams up. If I take all eighty-seven, I'll be getting over six hundred fifty milligrams, which should be plenty for someone my size. I'm only a hundred nine pounds. Some kid who weighed eighty-nine pounds died from taking only ten pills. I'd say eighty-seven ought to do the trick." "Yes, I suppose it would." "Plus I forgot to tell you-I'm going to down them with tequila." "You're talking like this is a done deal." "No, of course not. I'd have to get out of here first, right? And in all probability, that's somewhat unlikely. It's just that you asked how I would do it, so I told you." "Could you tell me why you think about killing yourself so much?" "Not really." "Are you depressed?" "What does that mean?" "Are you filled with a sense of the utter meaninglessness of life? Do the routine activities of life like eating, working, reading, watching movies, having sex, and other normal events hold no interest for you? Do you spend a lot of time sleeping?" "No to all of the above. I don't think life is meaningless. I love to eat, I don't normally mind going to work, I read constantly, I'm at Blockbuster at least twice a week, and if I'm not in a relationship in which I'm having regular sex, I masturbate a lot. As for sleeping all the time, I wish. My life is-was-so busy I can barely squeeze in six hours a night." "Suicide is usually looked to as a last resort solution-what someone will consider when their life becomes unbearable, unlivable. You sound like you're engaged with your own life and relatively content." "I am. At least I was . . . until I got locked up, that is." "So I'll ask again. Why have you been thinking about taking your own life?" "Don't you want to know where I would do it?" "Excuse me?" "You asked me if I've been thinking about where I would do it." "Yes, you're right. I did. So, have you?" "Yes." "And where would that be?" "I don't know." "Are you toying with me?" "No, not at all. I'm telling you the truth when I say that I have been thinking about where to do it. I just haven't decided yet." "What's holding up your decision?" "Lots of things. Like who will find me. What kind of mess I'll make. I know I'll . . . make a mess when I die, and I don't want whoever finds me to have to clean it up. For a while, I was thinking about walking into the ocean. Maybe down at Fort Hale Park. But tSpignesi, Stephen J. is the author of 'Untitled Spignesi Formerly The Euthanasia Diaries', published 0000 under ISBN 9780553804010 and ISBN 0553804014.