November

Act One At rise, charles smith and archer brown in an office. Charles: (Reading a list) What is this? What is this? One spot in Cleveland One in Cincinnati . . . Why? Archer: You see the polls? Charles: What happened to never say die? Archer: I saw the polls. Charles: You saw the polls, how bad can my numbers be? Archer: You broke the machine. (Archer hands Charles a sheet of paper.) Charles: Can these numbers be right? These numbers can't be right. Archer: They're right. Charles: Why? Why? We won the first time, Archie. Four scant years. Why have they turned against me now? Archer: Because you've fucked up everything you've touched. Charles: We're a forgiving people. Archer: Time to cash out, Chucky. Sell a couple pardons, call it a day. Charles: Nobody's spending any money on me. That's the problem, Archie. They dint cut me off, I'd be beating the other guy into Marshmallow Fluff. All I need, I need, some money . . . Archer: And an issue. Charles: How about "continuity." Archer: You've screwed the country into a cocked hat. Charles: Yes, but at least I've done something. What has the other fella done? Have you thought of that? That's the basis of an ad! Get me the committee. Archer: They'll let you keep what you got, put it in your pocket, but they ain't buying any more air. Charles: (To phone) Get me the committee. Archer: You're done, Chuck . . . (The phone rings. To phone) Hello. Charles: Gimme that. (Takes phone) Barry . . . Cathy. Hi. Hon? Hon, can I . . . Cathy, I can't talk now . . . (To archer) Can my wife take the couch? (To phone) Take, take the couch where, hon? . . . Why do you assume we're going home . . . (To archer) 'Cause she hasn't seen any ads on TV. And can she take the couch? Archer: No, she can't take the couch. Charles: No, you can't take the couch, hon. (To archer) She had it re-covered. Archer: It was re-covered with taxpayers' money. Charles: It was re-covered with taxpayers' money, Cath. (To archer) Can she reimburse the taxpayers? And does she get a discount because the couch has been used . . . Cath? (To archer) Get me out of here . . . Archer: (Loudly) Mr. President, Iran has launched a nuclear strike. Charles: What? Archer: Iran has launched a nuclear . . . Charles: Ca . . . Cath? Iran has launched a nuclear strike . . . (To archer) Or could she uncover the couch and take the unupholstered couch . . . Archer: She can't take the couch. (A second phone rings. ARCHER answers.) Hello. Barry, one moment. Charles: (To phone) Cath, I have to, Cath, I'll have to call you back. I'm not being cheap, Cath . . . I'm . . . I'm, yes, I'm trying to save money, 'cause WE'RE GOING HOME BROKE, Cath, and we're being bombed by Iran, so I have to hang up. (archer hangs up.) Archer: Why is the couch so important to her? Charles: She wants it for the Library. Archer: The Library? Charles: My Presidential Library. (Pause) What are you telling me? (Pause) I gotta have a library. Archie? Don't I have, like, a, uh, a Library, uh, an Exploratory, uh . . . Archer: No. (Pause) Charles: What is it about me people don't like? Archer: That you're still here. Charles: Wait--doesn't everybody get a library? Archer: No. Charles: It's not in the Constitution? Archer: No. Charles: Like a lovely parting gift? Archer: No. Charles: (Pause) Cathy's gonna kill me. Archer: (Re second phone line) It's the committee . . . Charles: (To phone) Hel . . . Hello, Barry . . . Where do you find me . . . ? I'm at the White House, Barry. Where are you? "Nantucket." How are things out there . . . ? Archer: (Sotto voce) He's screwed you on the election. He's holding back funds. TelMamet, David is the author of 'November' with ISBN 9780307388803 and ISBN 0307388808.