Mountain Man Dance Moves The Mcsweeney's Book of Lists

Chapter 1 [Note: Lists are best read first column first, then second column. When a list does not end at the bottom of a page, it will continue on the next page] THINGS KOALA BEARS WOULD SAY by Timothy Weinmann Yay! Love me! Climbing trees is fun! Let's volunteer at a soup kitchen this Christmas. My tongue is funny! Eating leaves is fun! Will you help me think of something nice we can do for Grandma? Look, a pouch! Let's prevent a forest fire! No, you're the cutest ever. Camus is boring. I find Karl Jaspers's philosophy much more enlightening. Wheeee! Let's make cider! I bet I'll live forever! FORMER JOBS HELD BY THE GUY YOU ONCE SAW WEARING THAT "PUSSY PATROL" T-SHIRT by Mike Sacks Vagina cop Titty detective Part-time perineum security guard Anus temp Nipple bureaucrat Executive vice president of technology and worldwide operations for Merrill Lynch EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY MY EX-GIRLFRIEND KRISTIN AND I "WANTED DIFFERENT THINGS FROM LIFE" by Dan Kennedy Something I didn't want from life was for us to stay together after she slept with another man in exchange for cocaine. Something she wanted from life was for us to stay together after she slept with another man in exchange for cocaine. 7 HABITS OF HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE by Brendon Lloyd 1.Skiing 2.Yachting 3.Snorkeling 4.Golf 5.Polo 6.Dinner parties 7.Shopping TOURISM SLOGANS THAT FAILED TO SEAL THE DEAL by Michelle Orange Kyrgyzstan: Kazakhstan's Mexico Germany: Let It Go Venezuela: We Dare You Cambodia: Nike's Best Kept Secret It's Worse in Western Samoa Canada: Turn Left at Greenland Syria: Come for the Ruins, Stay Because We Confiscated Your Passport ANECDOTAL LEADS FOR NEWS STORIES REPORTING THE END OF THE WORLD by Hart Seely Nine-year-old Joshua Harding didn't plan to miss classes Tuesday at West Monroe Elementary School. Nobody did. But dismissed were his classesfor good. After carefully parking his red Toyota Matrix in the lot outside Dick's Sporting Goods, John P. Boyce strode briskly into the West Burlington store. He was looking for rain gear on a day when rain gear would not be enough. "The prices are outrageous," said Boyce, fifty-eight, of West Street, as he sifted through brightly colored slickers and tall rubber boots. "Then again, I guess you could say it's a seller's market." An hour later, it was a nobody's market. Tamika Carter had dieted all spring to lose twenty-eight pounds in time for the Independence Day weekend. She skipped lunches and jogged each night after returning home from her job at the Pancake Circus. "I always try to lose weight before summer," the twenty-seven-year- old Sacramento waitress said. "You want to look good on the beach." But this summer, looking good on the beach would turn out to be far less important than Carter could have imagined. Mo Bushnell was not happy. Not happy at all. With a wheezing gust from his eighty-four-year-old lungs, the opinionated former Ashtabula steelworker had managed to blow out all the candles on his large chocolate layer cake. But it was abundantly clear that Bushnell's birthday wish would not be coming true. Not this year. Not ever. Though the sign outside Desi's Show Lounge shouted closed for goMcSweeney's Books Staff is the author of 'Mountain Man Dance Moves The Mcsweeney's Book of Lists', published 2006 under ISBN 9780307277206 and ISBN 0307277208.