Fatal Distraction Or How I Conquered My Addiction to Celebrities and Got a Life

Chapter One In which I Introduce the Affliction of Our Age A warning to the reader . . . This story is not for the faint of heart. While mine is ultimately a tale of triumph, it is also a harrowing chronicle of a trial of the human spirit. So, if you're not in the mood for peril and heartache, just put the book down. You can find enlightenment and self-awareness some other time. It's okay by me. All right. Now that we've sorted out the players from the poseurs, let's continue. A plague is sweeping America. An addiction that afflicts the unsuspecting citizen without warning. Early symptoms are often missed. Denial leads to postponement of treatment-or, indeed, failure to seek help at all. Inexorably, the sufferer is gripped by a state of near delusion. Relationships suffer. Isolation sets in. Normal, everyday life as most people know it becomes unbearable. Larger and larger cash outlays are required to sustain the habit. What is the plague I speak of? The disease that enslaves and weakens millions around the globe? Celebraholism. Yes, you read right. Celebraholism:a complex psychological disorder characterized by an excessive, compulsive need for exposure to celebrities. To further illustrate the affliction of our age, I present two scenarios. In the first scenario, you and I pass each other on the street. What happens? Nothing. (What did you think, I was going to run up and assault you with a hammer?) Second scenario: You and a celebrity pass each other on the street. What happens? Your mind explodes. You think . . . Oh My God, it's So-and-So!(Reader, feel free to supply the celebrity of your choice.)I can't believe it. So-and-So-on the very same street that I am walking on. You hope maybe they notice you, that your eyes meet, and they say, You. Yes, you. Come to me. Be my costar, my sperm donor, my slave . . . Or you start wondering if maybe they've had a little surgery since you last saw them. You sneak a look to see if the difference shows. Or you think, Gee, he's shorter than I thought. But whatever you think, however you react,these thoughts are not just passing impressions. These thoughts have far greater significance than, say, if you walked by me and thought, My God, that's an ugly sweater. Skeptical? In denial? Let's take another look at Scenario Two. Maybe you pass a celebrity, and you don't think very much at all about it. But it's a good bet that at some point in your day you're going to say something like, "Hey, you know who I ran into today? So-and-so. He's shorter than you'd think." And someone will say, "Oh, no, I knew he was short . . ." And so on. You are now engaged in conversation, connecting with another human being. All because you ran into a celebrity. Celebrities say they are just people like anybody else. This is a lie. In our world, celebrities are conversation, connection. They are walking, talking, breathing Opportunities. They are conduits to happiness. I'm anybody else, and believe me, I've got nothing like that to give out. How do I know this? What makes me an expert? It's very simple. My name is Eliza H, and I am a celebraholic. It takes enormous courage to open this book. It means that you are ready to take that first step. To look beyond the veil of your pain to a brighter future. That's good. How to know if you are a Celebraholic This is not always easy. Celebraholism is a socially acceptable disease, covertly and overtly encouraged by a number of societal norms. The key is to know how much you can handle and then ask yourself, Do I indulge within my limits? 1. You readPeoplemagazine andEntertainment Weekly. One or the other is more or less safe. The combination indicates addiction to toxic levels. 2. You are always one of thoFredericks, Emmi is the author of 'Fatal Distraction Or How I Conquered My Addiction to Celebrities and Got a Life', published 2005 under ISBN 9780312312954 and ISBN 0312312954.